Buh buh buh, time to listen to the new Smashing Pumpkins album, Monuments to an Elegy. I’m a real fan, by the way. To prove it, I think the Machina albums are great alt rock all around, that Adore is actually their greatest, and Zeitgeist had a few great songs. I’m not fuckin’ married to any of the small-fry former band members, but I’m not married to Billy Corgan, either.

Which means we can never smash, because he’s been a hardcore Christian for a while now and almost certainly hasn’t touched a joint in over a decade—which is very evident when listening to the superficially-Smashing Pumpkins album, Oceania. If the Smashing Pumpkins ever had a token sound, it was their general theatrics, and when Corgan came across that again on Oceania I thought for sure he’d keep it, even though all that remained on Oceania was the melodrama and none of the focused psychedelic composition.

Monuments to an Elegy proved me wrong. This is the opposite of that long-winded, faux-progressive, soft rock album. There hasn’t been an SP album with this much of an unrelenting wall of sound to it since the first Machina, but Machina had some great shoegaze melodies in it while this is just a complete fuckin’ blur. It’s the kind of bland blur I’m personally accustomed to, being a veteran of heavily-distorted alt rock, but that’s all that allows me to be as nice to it as I already am.

So, let me put that aside: this kind of sucks. This is formless sound, not tunes, and whenever Monuments comes close to a tune it’s as listless as can be. This is supposed to be “heavy” and “loud,” but the production is so smooth that it’s still just soft rock. This is Porcupine Tree if they were more Coldplay and less metal. At the very least, Billy Corgan’s voice is lower in the mix, which is extremely fortunate, but that’s the only step in the right direction on Monuments to an Elegy. Also, “Run2Me” sounds like an overzealous “Baba O’Riley,” and the beginning of “Tiberius” sounds like the Halloween theme.

Oceania was boring and redundant, but at least it had a vague sense of ambition in its big sound that encouraged you to pay some attention. This is better than anything in Teargarden, but everything is better than Teargarden. Actually, this album might be a part of Teargarden. I have no idea. Does anyone? I’m done with this review. Go relisten to Machina II or something instead, because it’s better than you think. At this point, I don’t know how anyone can still think D’arcy Wretzky leaving was ever the problem.